Susan on Being Married a Long Time

One of the benefits of growing up in a small town was that I grew up with people like Susan and Kel in my life. While babysitting their kids, pumping their gas, or just running into them at the Co-op, they were always kind to me. And their kindness always came from the two of them, like a united front :) They always seemed like married folks who actually liked each other, in a genuine, honest way. It was fun to do this interview and learn that their long marriage, although not without challenges, seems to be as authentic and uncomplicated as I sort of imagined it would be.

1. Tell me three things about you, besides being married. 

* I am an M.K.(Missionary kid). I was born in Manitoba but at 6 months of age, my family took a cargo ship across the ocean to Ethiopia where I lived til I was almost 10 years old.  
* I would choose lemon or caramel over chocolate 100% of the time.  
* I actually hate shopping. Unless it's for my kids or grandkids.
2. When did you get married? 

I got married on June the 2nd, 1979 at the ripe old age of 19. This year we will celebrate our 35th anniversary.
3. Who did you marry and how did you meet him?

I married Kel Zacharias. We met at Red Rock Bible Camp when I was 15 and he was 16. I was washing pots and pans. Kel was washing dishes and we literally bumped into each other.
4. What's a memory that stands out from your dating life, pre marriage?

Kel and I were on our way to Beaudette, Minnesota for a weekend with the whole Zach family. We were both minors at the time. The customs officer thought we were running away from home together and held us up for almost an hour. Once we got to the cabin, Kel's brother was complaining about the line up at customs. We figured out it was because of us and that his brother could've vouched for us.
5. How did he propose? 

I was attending school in England. Kel came during my Christmas break to travel with me and some friends. I met him at the airport and started going through his luggage looking for a ring. Kel waited for awhile and then pulled the ring out of his pocket and said "is this what you're looking for?" I guess I kind of wrecked any plans he had.
6. What's a memory that stands out from your wedding?

The memory that first comes to mind is that the tuxedos that we rented didn't fit, even though the guys had gone for a fitting. It was extreme for a couple of the guys. Kel's sister-in-law Donna got out a needle and thread and had to do some alterations the morning of the wedding. The wedding started at 11:00 a.m. A tad stressful.
7. How did you know that kal was "the one"?

I don't remember a light bulb moment. I feel like I just always knew I would marry Kel some day.
8. How did having kids impact your relationship?

Having kids impacted our marriage immensely. More than we know really. Can't imagine where we'd be or what would be different about our relationship if we hadn't had them. Physical and obvious changes were huge but we were tickled pink with our 2 girls. I think we were both pretty hands on and felt like a team. We decided that we would not disagree on discipline in front of the girls. This led to some interesting immediate discussions in the back yard or the laundry room when one of us felt the other was being too harsh. Ha! What I've noticed in the last ten or so years is that our kids still impact our marriage as much as back then. It's just changed. I love nothing more than to see Kel bonding with his adult daughters. They have become his heros as they both make steps and advance in their lives. I know how much they mean to him and it makes me love him more.
9. Why do you think you're great together?

I think maybe because we were so young when we started dating. It's like we grew up together and formed opinions about life things together. I dunno. We just like doing stuff together and we like doing nothing at all together. I have come to enjoy watching a golf tournament on a Sunday. He's come to enjoy chick flicks and sharing a bag of fresh licorice. And I hope that being great together has meant that we're there for others together as well.
10. Tell me one secret to a long and happy marriage. 

Communication is what everyone answers to that question but I definately agree. We've had to balance each other out on that.....I tend to analyze a lot and am quite a talker. We'll keep working on that for life I guess. The other thing is work. Every marriage is work....every day. Some days feel like the load is light and some days feel like hard labor. My dad told me something many years ago "the day I quit working on my marriage is the day my marriage is in trouble". The were married for 64 years when he passed away.
11. How big a role does family and friends/ community play in the success of your marriage to Kel?

Huge. Family and friends and community have celebrated with us in the good times and have walked closely with us in the hard times. Can't imagine our lives without all of them.
12. Thinking back, what has been the best year of your marriage and why?

I can't pinpoint a "best year" but best things pop into mind. Our first year was fun and carefree. Becoming parents. Becoming grandparents. A new house that we planned together. Moving to Wpg and being able to go to a movie on a week night spur of the moment cause we were 5 mins from the theatre. Having teenagers and spending our Saturdays in the gym cheering for their team. Family vacations with our kids. Many more.
13. Thinking back, what has been the hardest year of your marriage and why?

Again....can't pinpoint one specific hard year. Change is always a pull on a marriage.....kind of a given in life though. Death of family or friends. I had some health issues and surgeries when the girls were still quite young. The flood of the century and all it's stress was in between 2 of those surgeries. Walking alongside extended family when they were struggling.
14. What helped you through the hard times?

I would say that even when change or sadness (life....really) brings friction between us, whether we love each other unconditionally has never felt like a question. Maybe because we built a foundation in the good times? Not sure. We take each day as it comes but stay in love no matter what. Somehow the hard stuff ends up bringing us closer.
15. How is your marriage different from your parents' relationships?

I thought about this one a long time. Technology has changed almost everything since our parents were our age. I think we've had the opportunity to spend more physical time together and with our kids as a family. But if I look at our parents marriages and our marriage. Very different personalities all around but I'd have to say all 3 are much the same in heart.
16. How is your marriage different from your daughter's marriage?

I thought about this one a long time too. Jill has been married to Chris for 10 years. She married a great guy who is rock solid and would do anything for her. And she's a great wife....a great friend to Chris. When I look at our two marriages, I see 4 very different personalities but I'd have to say they are much the same in heart.
17. What's your guess as to why the divorce rate is so high these days?

I cannot begin to know or guess "what the world needs now". I will share a little story from quite some time ago that Kel and I reflect on even now. We were on a trip together and spent an evening with some friends we had met through mutual friends. She was having some health issues and was looking at major surgery. Her husband was telling Kel what she/they had been through and how it was affecting their kids etc. He said to Kel "what I have to focus on is that it's not my wife that's sick. We are sick. And it's not my wife that has to have surgery. We are having surgery". I love that story.
18. What do you love about Kel more as time goes on?

That he wants to be with me. Spend time together. Hang out. Sometimes when we're walking out the door to meet people for dinner he'll take my hand and say "I wish it was just the two of us going out tonight" Melts my heart every time!

19. What do you think he loves most about you?

I didn't ask him. I'm guessing. I think I'm his greatest cheerleader in life and his job and as a dad etc. I feel like he appreciates it.
20. How has hanging out with your husband for all these years most profoundly impacted you? And you him?

Completely for both! After 35 years of bumps and bruises, partying and joys together, we've both turned into who we are. No marriage is perfect so we don't bother striving for that. Neither of us is perfect so we don't bother expecting that. We just keep working at it......every day til we die. As hard as that can be, it feels kind of simple.