Kate on Being a Working Mom

Whether she's whipping up a massive batch of salsa while doing a craft with her kids, riding her bike to work in -40C weather after catching her son's hockey game, or carrying a new hot water heater into her house by herself, she'll do it with poise and grace, and won't utter a complaint. She's always been that way, my sister Kate. She's tough as nails, and effortlessly gorgeous. If I didn't love her so much I might hate her :)

1.    Tell me three things about yourself besides anything to do with work or your kids!

I have completed 3 half marathons.

Music is a very important part of my life.

I lost my brother in 1994 and my mom in 2010 their lives and deaths have played a huge part in who I am today.

2.    Who is in your family?

        My partner Jay

        Alexander Thomas -13

        Sativa Lael – 12

        Isabella Jinx – 5

        Romeo James  - 3

        J and I also have amazing extended families that we are so thankful for

       and are part of our everyday lives.

3.    Can you remember life when it was just you and Alex? What was that like?

It’s strange how long ago that feels! Alex was 6 when J and I met and I was a single mom and full time student. We used to spend a lot more time 1 on 1 and Alex also spent a lot of time with my parents while I studied.  It’s been an incredible adjustment as our family has tripled in size since then.

When I asked Alex he said, “It was a lot more relaxing back then!” And the other day I heard him comment, “Our family even sticks out in Walmart!” Things aren’t quite so calm and quiet anymore!

4.    How did you meet Jay and how did you know you wanted to grow your family with him?

       

       Alex and Tiva were in the same class in grade one. J and I used to see each other in the hall everyday while we waited for them to be let out of class. We slowly got to know each other and eventually started hanging out outside of school.

        J and Tiva invited Alex and I over for dinner (our first “date”) they made homemade pizza pops for us (Tiva had investigated what Alex’s favorite food was!) We had a great evening that ended with us playing Yahtzee in a fort in the living room, I was pretty much melted from there! We eventually had a few dates without the kids and realized we were both interested in expanding our families. J has an amazing outlook on life, the way he loves and cares for his kids is amazing and inspiring. He is committed to growing good, strong, solid people out of these little ones and I am so thankful for a partner with his morals and values to raise my kids with.  

5.    Tell me some great things about your family.

        J is the most hilarious person I know! He is always up for an adventure he is an amazing papa and my best friend.

        Alex was born year of the Dragon, he became a teenager this year, started junior high and was also the captain of his hockey team, the Deer Lodge Blues. He led them to 2^nd place entering the finals scoring 70 goals this season! He also plays basketball, volleyball, table tennis, soccer, hand ball, football and can whoop my butt at 21 (sometimes)!

        Tiva was born in the year of the Snake and also started junior high this year. She is kind hearted and great with kids. She is also an experienced ariel dancer, Pilates artist, and is amazingly creative and a skilled crafter. She is also very involved in track at her school and has brought home many ribbons and medals this year. Her ariel dance crew is traveling to Calgary to compete this summer and to Finland for the 2015 Gymnestratta!

      Izzy just turned 5! She was born in the year of the Ox and is also a Taurus, she has fire in her soul and keeps us entertained at all times. She reminds me of my mom quite often.  She started pre school, gymnastics and soccer this year and is thriving. Her teacher describes her as a real leader who likes to makes sure to include everyone.

        Romeo is my baby! He was born in the year of the rabbit.  He is an amazing little character who is really developing and changing all the time. He has a passion for all sports and is really very good at them! He is my snuggler and is always up for a hug around the neck! He has recently been potty trained (hooray!) and life is just getting easier and easier with him.

6.    What’s something cute that one of the kids said recently?

     The kids are always saying hilarious things, I keep a journal where I write down the funny things they say. I recently read a journal my mom kept from when we were kids, it was really inspiring for me to keep at it.

     Today Izzy asked me, “Mom, is there anyone else in the world like us? Same hair, same clothes, same skin, same family?” I said no, our family is one of a kind. Her excited response, “oh, so we’re pretty rare then!”

     She got a diary from her uncle Bill for her birthday and carries it around and writes in it often. She calls it her “diarrhea”

     She asked me the other day why we named her Izzy, then she asked if we could change it to Barbie.

7.    What do you love about being a mom?

I love days at home as a  family when no one has to be anywhere, spending time together, playing games, cooking dinner, making fancy desserts, movie nights, adventures, bike rides, beach days and picnics at the park! With our busy schedules it’s not always easy to find time to spend together as a family so we really value it when it works out.

8.    What do you find hardest?

We always wish we could spend more time with our kids individually.  We try to take them out separately when possible but time is precious around here so it never happens as often as we’d like. This has been a difficult adjustment as we were so used to having that 1 on 1 attention with Alex and Tiva. That’s the thing I find the most difficult over the long run, but in everyday life it’s those days that stretch on, where I work or J works or we both work and every kid has to be somewhere for some type of activity, everyone needs to be fed and bathed and dishes need to be washed, laundry needs to be done and when the last kid is finally asleep and all the toys are picked up, I’m exhausted and all I want is a hot shower and then there’s no hot water left.

9.    What do you do for work?

I am a registered nurse, and work in child and adolescent psychiatry at the Health Sciences center.

10. What do you love about your job?

We are the only inpatient unit in Manitoba so we get kids from all over the province as far north as Nunavut and also from northern Ontario. Getting to know these kids and their families as well as their cultures and communities has been an amazing and eye opening experience for me.  I love teaching and that’s a huge part of my job with both patients and their families.

I also work with some really great people and have built some really valuable friendships.  We see a lot of kids that are in crisis and that can lead to many different challenges.  To navigate those challenges we all lean on each other, work as a team and use a lot of humor to make it through the day.

             

11. What do you find hardest?

A huge part of my job is to be an advocate for an extremely vulnerable population, I often leave work feeling like I made a difference and then other days can be so frustrating, I work within a system that is full of obstacles and dead ends. I am learning how to navigate those but there is not always an answer or a “cure” for everyone.  There are days when I find it very hard to leave work at work and transition back into caring for my own family.

12. How did you end up becoming a nurse?

I really wanted to choose a career that would provide flexibility to be with my kids and security knowing I would always be able to provide for my family.

When Alex was born I had the most incredible nurse, she stayed overtime until Alex was born just to make sure things went the way I had hoped they would. She advocated for me when I really needed it I remember having so much respect for her and the difference she made in the delivery.

After Alex was born I worked as a health care aide in a personal care home for about 3 years. I loved working with seniors, spending time with and taking care of them. I knew that being a nurse would bring more responsibility but also provide me with security.

When I became a single mom I applied to nursing and after a 2 year wait list Alex and I moved to the city, he started kindergarten and I started University the next day, it was such a stressful transition but we managed to make it through the next 4 years and I am so thankful for that!

13. Was it your plan to have a big family and a big job?

Well, I was voted, “Most likely to have 12 kids” in my grade 12 yearbook! I have always loved kids and never imagined life without a brood behind me. 

             I never imagined I would have the ability to become a nurse, it seemed so far          out of my reach! I had such amazing support from my family and am so thankful I made it through. I couldn’t imagine a job I’d love more.

14. Do you leave work behind when you go home, and do you leave home behind when you go to work?

When my mom went back to work after having kids I often heard her say, “outta sight, outta mind” She was able to flip from one to the other with such ease and would happily admit she enjoyed her time away from the house. J and I are so lucky to be able to work opposite of each other so we can cover our child care needs with the help of our parents who are so generous with their time and energy. That definitely makes it easier as we always know they are in good hands. I work a lot of evenings and am able to come home for an hour on my break for a quick dinner or a snuggle off to bed if I need to, just knowing that makes it easier. 

I have a harder time leaving work at work, we often deal with difficult situations that can be emotionally and physically exhausting and it can be hard to turn it off at the end of the day. I have found this more difficult after working there for over three years as I have gotten to know some of the kids and their families well, I really care for them and it’s hard to see and deal with them in crisis. I often work evenings and am not home until midnight so I’m often alone with time to think at the end of the day.  I am learning about mindfulness and meditation and that has been very important for my own mental health!

15. What is the secret to surviving your schedule?

Sometimes I can have up to 5 or 6 shifts in a row followed by 5 or 6 days off. I find this balance is so important. I love spending my days off taking care of my family and then when I go to work my family takes care of me. When J and I work opposite each other we have a deal that when we get home from work the dishes are washed, the baby is changed and dinner is ready before the other leaves. I would not survive without him!

16. Describe a typical day in your life.

If J and I are both working, I get up at 6:15 to be at work for 7:20, I work until 3:45 and can usually get home by 4:15. Alex and Tiva are often walking in the door at the same time as me. We usually have an early dinner so J can leave for work by 5:30. I finish dinner with the kids, clean up and then play for a bit before bath and bed which can take at least 2 hours most days before all four kids are quiet and settled.  After all the kids are asleep I like to listen to music and clean the house up. I love waking up to a clean kitchen and a fresh start, it usually only lasts for about 8 minutes the next day and then everything starts over again.

Days off are always different, I always have to work hard to balance the demands of being the matron of the house. Grocery shopping, cooking and cleaning take up a majority of our time on days off. We also love having home school days with the kids and family dinners are a priority. This month we’re planning a day trip to Narcisse for a picnic and some snake watching. Those are the kinds of days I love the most.

There’s also the driving to hockey, dance, track, gymnastics or any other extracurricular activities. That takes up some part of most days as well!

17.  How and when do you rest or take breaks?

I have come to love my breaks on evening shifts. I used to work a lot of evenings so I could race home on my break and nurse the baby and put them to bed before rushing back to work. Now that the kids are older I often stay at work and find a quiet spot to read a book. I have come to really look forward to those breaks.

The best break of all though is on Saturday mornings when Izzy has gymnastics,  J and I take turns sleeping in while the other one takes the kids out for the morning. It is amazing how a little self care can go such a long way!

18. Do you and your partner ever get time together, outside of the busyness?

We have things pretty scheduled and coordinated so that we can spend some uninterrupted time together most evenings after the kids are in bed. We always have so much to talk about at the end of the day, it’s hard to have a conversation with so many kids around! We make sure to schedule date nights as often as possible and that is getting easier as the kids get older.  We both really love music and go to as many shows as we can, we recently saw Neil Young and Dianna Krall, Buffy St Marie, Sharon Jones and the Dap kings and most recently Lady gaga! We both find it so important to take the time to connect and spend some time one on one.

19. If you could pause your work and family life and have a month to yourself with a big stack of money, how would you spend it?

The easiest question! I always dream of going travelling with our kids, there are so many places I would love to experience with them. We would home school with experiences and adventures, travel around central and south America and probably spend a lot of time playing on the beach and eating fresh mangos. I would also make sure that I didn’t have to wash any dishes!

20. You spend all your time caring for others, at home or at work. Who takes care of you, or how do you take care of yourself?

Self care is so important to me, it’s also the easiest thing to let slide when life gets busy. I do my best to ensure that I run as often as possible, practice yoga and meditate, ride my bike or walk to work, go for a massage once a month and always have a good book to read.

          

Trish on Living Rural

Ahhh, my dear Trish. She goes for it and doesn't look back. Read and be inspired and then…get outside and breathe in some NATURE! 

1. Tell me three things about yourself.

I love to dance. Being in nature brings me great peace. I love a good laugh.

2. Who is in your family?

My husband Vaughn and our two daughters Freya (almost 5!) Zoe (2 and a half) our dog Herb and our cat Rosie.

3. Describe yourself in three words.

Determined, intelligent, caring.

4. Where do you live, and for how long have you lived there?

We live east of Erickson, Manitoba which is 10km south of Riding Mountain National Park. We have lived in this area for 9 years.

5. Did you always think you’d end up living in the country?

Yes. I grew up in a small town south of Winnipeg along the Red River and I knew I would live in the city for a stint but in my heart of hearts I've always been a country girl.

6. Describe your surroundings.

Our house sits a top a hill surrounded by farmers fields. The East overlooks a large lake called Otter Lake. We get to watch the sunrise over the lake in all her glory. My favorite is on hot summer mornings when the water looks like glass and the sun comes up and the light reflects off the surface of the lake whilst all the water fowl come alive with the breaking of a new day. It's breathtaking. To the North are the rolling hills of RMNP where there's miles upon miles of bush, to the South there's fields, bush and a small little airstrip. To the West there's more fields and rolling hills and an equally breathtaking view of the sunset. We are incredibly blessed to live in such a beautiful spot. A couple of weeks ago Freya said this to me, "Mama, I love where we live. It is just such a special place. And I love the trees so much. Trees are a special kind of love. I feel so much love around all these trees."

7. How did you come to live in this place?

We moved to the area after a very challenging year in Winnipeg. I felt like I couldn't breathe anymore, like the pace and energy of city living was suffocating me. So we searched for land, found a beautiful spot and made the craziest move out here! 

8. What is your favourite thing about living rural?

The space that it offers me and our family to grow and be close to nature.

9. What is your least favourite thing about living rural?

All the driving! It can be crazy making.

10. What did you love about living in a city?

That I could ride my bike everywhere that I needed to go.

11. What were you most happy to leave behind when you moved out of a city?

The vibrations of city living. By that I mean the pace, all the people and the lack of connection to any of those processes. I always feel so rattled after spending any amount of time in the city.

12. How do you feel coming home to your rural spot, after having been in a city?

Like I can breathe again! Big, full, deep breaths. 

13. How has living in the country affected how “connected” you feel to the rhythms of the earth? For example, hearing the birds, seeing the sun rise and set, noticing the stars…what impact does that have?

I cannot downplay the affect of these natural rhythms on my life and the lives of my family members. Freya can identify pretty much any wild animal that lives in the area, including specific species of birds, "Hey Mama, I just saw a Purple Finch!" or Zoe “A special thing just happened Mama! Two hawks flew over our house!” (They weren’t really hawks but I have to admit that I was impressed that she assigned a species to the birds that flew overhead!)  When we go to bed at night its quiet and dark or the sky is alive with northern lights or the full moon. We watch the sunrise over the lake everyday and set in the hills every evening. I feel rooted and connected to the land around me and the natural processes that occur with each changing season. It feels like home. I sometimes wonder how this landscape will become a part of my children or how they will internalize this landscape. I believe that our connection to the natural rhythms of the earth is fundamental to the ways in which we all learn and grow.

14. Does it get lonely?

No and yes. I have two small children so I'm NEVER alone! Ha ha! But I have felt isolated from others at times. Like in the dead of winter when we've been snowed in for days on end and I feel as though we'll never get out. Otherwise we have an amazing community of extremely lovely, talented and intelligent people here. While the pace of living feels slower than in the city, there's absolutely no shortage of things to do around here.

15. How do you think about/ or do employment differently in the country than the city? Do you find there are less options, or more?

There aren't as many job options but there are still many opportunities to find good paying, fulfilling work. It’s different than the city, but I’m ok with that. Right now I’m not really focused on a career outside of motherhood. It’s the hardest and shittiest paying job I’ve ever had, but I do love it!

16. Describe the difference between friendships/community in the city where you lived and the country where you now live? I mean, how do people socialize or do community differently, in your experience?   

              

 I wouldn’t say that its all that different. I mean, obviously there’s far less people here than in Winnipeg so that whole ‘small town’ stigma definitely applies. It’s impossible to like everyone but in a rural setting you kind of have to figure out how to find something likable within everyone. I like to see it as a sort of challenge. We are connected with lots of families in the area so we have potlucks, we help each other out with projects, we take care of each others children, we have community events and support one another. Just like good friends do no matter where you’re situated.

17. What has surprised you about living rural?                 

How little money we spend in comparison to city living. That was the most remarkable thing to us the first year that we lived here.

18. What do you imagine will be the biggest impact on your kids, of living in the country instead of the city?               

                                                                       I truly believe that their natural surroundings plays an integral role in their development. My children will not suffer from Nature Deficit Disorder! They are still so little and yet they understand or are incredibly tuned in to the natural rhythms of their surroundings. I cannot say for sure, but I can imagine that this would be a difficult thing to offer a child living in the city.

19. Can you say something about how quality of life has changed for you since living rural?         

                                                                                               

 I am more comfortable with my life. I find great peace in being outdoors and I’m more “together” than I ever was as an urbanite. I remember feeling very anxious when I lived in the city. It’s very rare for me to suffer from anxiety out here because I have the ability to step outdoors into a vast amount of space and soak it all up. I’m much more grounded. I feel at ease here.

20. Tell me about the wildlife around you. What’s a magical moment you’ve had in nature lately?                 

We have an abundant amount of creatures big and small living in the area all around us. Wolves, coyotes, lynx, cougars, black bears, moose, elk, deer, snowshoe hare, great grey owls, bald eagles, pelicans, countless species of birds and many beautiful insects. Just the other day I was out on a birding workshop and I watched a trumpeter swan on the lake while some elk walked along the edge of the adjacent meadow. It was pure magic. Nature is so perfectly beautiful. Oh and then there was the day not so long ago when I locked eyes with a lynx. What a gift from such an elusive creature!

Kate on why a strong network of women matters for individual and collective health

We met in the middle. Kate rushed over from her busy and tough job and her wild and free existence in Point Douglas; I snuck away from my baby, my toy-filled, dog and cat-filled family house in the west end. We drank wine overlooking Portage Avenue while Kate ripped confidently through my interview. I love her, Kate. She's intense, she's so bright, she's figuring-it-out.

1.     Tell me three things about you.

I live in Point Douglas.

I strongly love the land between Minnedosa and Riding Mountain National Park.

I have two brothers that I love a lot.

2.     Give me three words to describe you.

Intense. Bright. Figuring-it-out.

3.     Growing up, who were important women in your life and why?

My auntie Donna, because she really had a different life than a lot of the adult women that I knew growing up and I was really interested in her.

My mom, obviously, because she really loved her kids a lot. She really made us a priority, like moms do, overtop of whatever she wanted.

I’ve known a lot of elderly, middle-aged women who took an interest in me and took me seriously as a human being.

4.     Describe your relationship with other females in junior high and high school.

I was lucky to have a lot of friends, but I don’t know that I felt that way at that time. That’s a really hard time, when you don’t know what the social rules are, and relationships are so fraught with whether you do things the right way or the wrong way. I don’t remember high school being amazing, but I did have some very rich times.

5.     What is one of your first memories of noticing friendships between women?

The friendships I had in elementary school, and with kids down the street. I remember feeling much more at home hanging out with boys than girls and feeling rather suspicious about girls. It was simpler. There were more rules that could be broken with girls. But I do remember a few girls that I really wanted to spend time with and felt totally at ease with, which I think is lucky.

6.     How did you come to be part of a strong network of women?

Looking for it. And actively building it on purpose, because I needed it. It came out of my needs with work. I needed help, and the people I got help from happened to be in the same job I was in. It’s that network of people that has spread out more, and is very solid.

7.     Tell me about these women.

We’re all so fucking weird and great and just willing to do great things for one another and willing to be goofy and willing to put up with each others’ shit and willing to let each person be the way they are which is really different from one another. There’s a strong value of health, but health in moderation. A very liberal view of whatever health means.

8.     How different would life be without them?

Boring. Lonely. Suburban. Limited. And maybe not so real.

9.     What supports your connection with other women friends?

Love. Because I want to see them all the time. Maybe that’s true for them, maybe not, but that’s why I spend so much time in the west end. We are a mutually supportive group of people who are there, in part, to help each other out. These relationships are as practical as they are romantic and goofy and kitchy. I would spend a lot of money on a psychologist or more astronomy if I didn’t have this group of people. There’s an active purpose for why we see each other.

10. How do some women find themselves without this kind of network?

Yeah, that happens a lot. That’s so fucking depressing. People being lonely and alone is a product of how we are more properly organized. We’re organized to have a relationship with TLC television shows, IKEA, and Club Monaco, and our lawns and the foundations of our houses. We’re not really set up to encourage loving networks of support, unless we really make it a priority. And even then it’s really hard. I don’t have kids or a house, it’s really easy for me to go and spend time with people.

11. What’s unique about female friendship?

I don’t know because I don’t have a penis.

12. What is difficult about female friendship?

Nothing?

13. What could we learn from other cultures or groups who do female friendship well?

There’s a group of women in France who saw themselves in the future being old and not necessarily able to be taken care of by young people or the state and organized a co-op of intergenerational women who collectivized taking care of each other, and to reduce isolation. The purposeful thinking ahead is smart and maybe is happening here. There are those of us who aren’t married and without kids who that could be really useful for.

14. What’s got in the way of you connecting with other women at times? What was the impact on your health?

My own lack of self-confidence and inability to be myself regardless of what I thought the other person was thinking of me. The impact of that was a nervous breakdown and longterm depression.

15. What would you guess has been the impact of being part of a community of women on your own health?

Oh my god. 80% more wellness than otherwise.

16. What are some fun times you’ve had with female friends recently?

My friend Sue held a stuff swap which is a bunch of women stripping and exchanging and fighting over clothes with games that Sue made up. It was all about people not taking themselves seriously.

17. What’s the wildest time you’ve ever had with female friends?

I have had depression. I have had depression in a very public way in that it incurred life choices that are way off the map. Some of this group visited me very far away during this time, and have been open to the whole process of figuring it out. Folks were in the shit with me. And folks who were newer were open to being in the shit and had their own stories. I live a life that is kind of weird according to what is normal. Lots of us in this group do. Lots of those iterations are actually celebrated and unhidden and new iterations in individual humans are also celebrated. Which is spectacular, because groups can be static. And when I say group, it’s fluid, there’s not just 8 people.

18. Can you summarize your thoughts on how a strong network of women does impact individual and collective health?

We are meant to be connected. We are organisms on this planet. We would love to be separated but that’s impossible. It’s okay for people to be introverts, and I am that a lot of the time, but we need faces and we need touch and we need laughter and we need to be able to notice things with other people, whether it’s what’s happening in nature, with our families, or with ourselves. It’s nice when you can get to know people over a long period of time. There’s something about people seeing your shit that is good.

19. Talk to me about pranks.

I love pranks I’m way better at planning them than receiving them, I get a bit snobby. Why aren’t there more pranks? We should be having way more fun at each other’s expense and so I think there should be more pranks.

20. At the end of your life, where/who/how will you be, thanks to being connected with a strong network of women?

I’ll be very happy. Very fulfilled. I’ll feel really lucky. If that’s all that happens, it’s great.