Jennifer on being Ben's Mom

(My dear pal Amanda helped me resurrect this beast by spontaneously emailing me this interview. It was pretty meaningful to go through it, actually. Here's hoping I can interview all of you now, too!)

1.  Besides being ben's mom, can you tell us three things about yourself?

I’m fiery! Stubborn at my worst and fiercely passionate and compassionate at my best.

I have my dream job as a Family Therapist.

I like the thought of growing old, and always have. And I’m not afraid of dying.

2.  Besides being the cutest guy on earth, can you tell us three things about your son, Ben?

He’s an old soul.

He’s a great kisser.

No matter what, he always seems to be up for a laugh. Lately, every time I say "I love butter" he loses it.

3. When was the moment in the process of adoption that you knew Ben was your son?

I was in the shower last Spring when the phone rang. I never do this but I got out of the shower to answer it. It was our social worker calling to tell us that there was a pregnant woman coming in to pick a family for adoption. Even though it was a longshot any way you looked at it, I got back in the shower knowing that our baby was on the way.

4.  When/how did you know that you wanted to be a mother?

Hm. Growing up in a family of five kids, I was pretty sure I didn't want kids of my own. This turned into ambivalence as I became an adult. I never had that "urge" that some women talk about. But honestly the first moment I knew for sure was when I saw him fly into the world. I had the most intense urge to mother him the second I laid eyes on him.

5.  How has being a mother made you think about(/long for/love) your mom differently?

At 3 am when I’m rocking Ben, I think of everything she must have done for me.

I long to be with her physically, as a grandma to Ben and a mom to me. 

I would love to be able to go to her house, put Ben in her arms, and eat her homemade soup and buns and maybe share a bottle of wine with her in the middle of the day. She would have a good laugh, watching me be a mom.

6. How has being ben's mom affected your grief?

Ben has brought a lot of healing to my broken heart. After losing two of my soulmates – my brother and mom, I feel like I gained one by Ben coming into my life. 

7. How has being a mother changed you the most powerfully?

It has humbled me. We’re all doing our best, and lots of the time we're just trying to get through the day. It has also brought me a great deal of peace.

8.  How does it feel to function on so little sleep? ;)

I am a suck when it comes to sleep and I need a lot of it! I feel insane somedays. I miss sleep so much. It’s the hardest thing about having a baby for me.

9.  What has having your own child done to your obsession with babies?

Well now I have a favourite! But I still love them all. 

10.  How has Ben most deeply affected your family?

Ben brings healing wherever he goes J

11.  What has been especially healing in your experience of having Ben/becoming a mom?

I used to put almost all of my energy into everyone around me, and I had a hard time justifying nurturing or investing in my self. It took me up until now to realize that we are all worthy of the same love, even moi!

12.  How does being a mother affect your relationship with Jesse?

Hmm. We have to be so kind and supportive to each other, or the whole thing could collapse! Haha. We take turns weeping/being brave for each other in the middle of the night during the rough weeks. So there is a new sort of intimacy in those moments.

13.  Do you have a philosophy about mothering?  What is it like?  Where did it come from?

Do what works and be gentle with yourself. Everything else is a bonus. It comes from having my ego stripped down by my challenging little angel.

14.  How has being a mother impacted your work?  (I mean besides mat leave...How has it affected how you feel about and approach your work?)

I think I have even more compassion. And am less sure about things I used to hold as truths.

15.  Remember your dog and cat?  ;)  How are they?

What? I don’t know who or what you are referring to. Actually I miss my dog a lot. I haven’t walked him in months. The cat actually loves the baby, the dog is maybe a little sad.

16.  What has been the most interesting thing about the process of adoption?

The whole thing is a mindf*ck if you really think about it. But so insanely beautiful as well!! How Ben's birth mom had the courage to go through what she did, and how we had the guts to go for it as well, will never fully make sense to me - and yet the whole thing was so seamless and in so many ways made perfect sense. But what stands out for me the most is that destiny is far more powerful than we are, especially when we let go, and we’ll end up with who we are meant to end up with. I absolutely believe that.

17.  What is the hardest part of being a mom?

No time for myself and no sleep. I’d pay huge dollars for either of those.

18.  What is the best thing ever about being a mom?

I definitely don't believe you need to be a mom to feel this, but life has a feeling of wholeness. I guess that's more about Ben coming into my life specifically, rather than being a mom in general. It's hard for me to separate the two.

19.  What is the most powerful thing you've learned from your mom about being a mom?

Hm. Relax, laugh and don’t take any of it too seriously. Also, there's more to life than just being a mom - she was so good at the balance between work, friendships, family, and relaxing all the way through.

20.  Both of your sisters are mothers too.  What have you learned from them, respectively?

Kate has four kids and works a tonne as a nurse, so I learn from her that endless amounts of energy are possible when you need it. From Sara I learn more of the practical things. She reminds me when it’s time for Ben to start different things developmentally, like eating solids, or napping less, or what helps with teething.

Both of my sisters are heroes, thank goodness for both of them.

21.  What does it feel like to have your heart crawling around outside of your body in the form of a darling six-month-old?

It feels pretty damn good, actually. Life is so terrifying anyway, we might as well go all in.