Bailey on Losing her Faith

It takes courage to sit with uncertainty. It also takes courage to be interviewed about uncertainty. I'm thankful to Bailey for her straight-up, refreshing honesty.

Tell me three things about you.

I am a reader, a lindyhopper, and a warm-weather person.

Who is in your family?

Our little family is myself, my husband, our grown son, and a dog.

How would the people that love you the most describe you?

Thoughtful, organized, caring, committed, loyal.

Can you define, from your perspective, faith?

Faith is confidence in something, and in this context it is a belief and confidence in God – his existence and his involvement.

How did faith play a role in your upbringing?

My childhood family was religious, but faith was not a part of our home life. We were taught the religious rules and it was expected that we would follow them. It was rather like a cultural norm.

Can you remember when you first found your faith?

Church was a regular part of our lives when I was a child, but faith became personally important to me in stages. As a teenager I had some good youth leaders and youth pastors, and my understanding of faith grew. After high school I went to Bible college for a year and for the first time lived with people who were serious about following God.

Describe yourself in a few words when you still had your faith.

I was earnest about following and pleasing God: I read & memorized scripture, prayed regularly, volunteered in the church & community, and read extensively about faith and theology.  Being a believer was serious, since my understanding of it required full surrender of one’s will, but it was worthwhile because it was a relationship with the source of love and power and holiness. When I had faith, it was the most central part of my identity.

Describe your perception of the world around you when you had your faith.

My church background is evangelical, so we were taught to “spread the good news.”  This made the world a tricky place, especially in suburbia where people are generally happy with their lives and do not want to hear about sin or contemplate the kind of changes required to be devoted to God.  We believed that the world was a separate place from the church, and it was in need of redemption.

Can you speak to what led to you losing your faith?  Is there a way that you can describe the process of losing your faith?

I do not understand the cause; I only know that the constant presence of God that had been with me for as long as I could remember was no longer there. The relationship that made the sacrifices of faithful living worthwhile was gone. What I had believed to be true no longer was. It was not possible for me to believe in God if I could not discern his presence.

What was important or helpful during that transition?

My husband was loving & accepting and was less freaked out than I was, even though he continued in faith. I had one other friend who could accept the gravity of the loss and was not afraid to talk about it, which was deeply appreciated (thanks W!).

Also important was reading accounts of others who experienced silence from God, such as Mother Teresa and Saint Terese of Liseux (Catholics seem more inclined to admit to experiencing a dark night of the soul).

What was painful about it?

Faith had been the central part of my identity, so the most painful part was not knowing who I was or why I was here. I had to grapple with what my life’s purpose was if it wasn’t to worship & glorify God.

Another crippling thing was the loneliness from the loss of the relationship with God and his constant presence. I was accustomed to ‘conversing’ with God throughout my day, turning to him in joy or in pain; this was gone, and I felt hollow and alone and foolish.

It was also painful to lose friendships that were based on faith and on church, as nearly all my friendships were. My social life dried up.

I sought help and advice from my pastors but was told they had no exposure to this issue and therefore they were of little help. It was discouraging and I felt that I was being labelled as a freak.

How did you know that you had lost your faith?

I wasn’t willing anymore to make choices based on obedience to God, because I didn’t believe he was real. It was kind of a Santa Claus situation, but with more far-reaching implications.

How does the world look different having lost your faith?

I am perhaps now more in sync with the wider world, since my life does not revolve around a deity. I feel less conflicted about what I do and how I spend my time. I am more open-minded, but also more willing to express hatred or violence.

Church looks very different - mostly it looks like an absurd waste of time; occasionally it is something that I wish I could still be part of. 

Are there benefits for you now, having lost your faith?

As I mentioned, I generally feel less conflicted about my actions and thoughts, since the concern to please/follow God is gone. Also: I get to sleep in on Sunday mornings!

What is more difficult now?

Not having a meta-purpose to life is hard to get used to. The loss of God’s presence and the purpose it gave me started a landslide of depression.

Spending time with religious friends and family is much more difficult – I see them as both deluded & fortunate.

How would you describe yourself in a few words, as a person who has lost her faith?

I am still unsettled: alternately appalled by the waste of time & energy on faith for so many years, and wishful for the ability to return to relationship with God.

What brings you peace? Joy?

I can find peace in the embrace of someone who loves me. Peace is sometimes in a warm bed when I don’t have to get up yet, or in the muted colors of gliding on a tiny river in a kayak.  There is joy in great music and good dancing. There is joy in a good story and in wonderful writing and unexpected perfect phrases in books. Receiving real mail brings joy too.

Have your fears changed since losing your faith?

Yes, I’m afraid of not figuring out what my life is for, and of spiraling into a deeper depression of unmotivation.  I’m also afraid of losing more relationships if folks don’t want to be close friends with a non-believer; this causes me to downplay my doubts and just not talk about the issue at all.

At the end of your life, what difference will it have made, to have at one point lost your faith?

I cannot see the future, but I imagine that the change in my life related to not being a church-person anymore is quite large. I have more time for other interests and other people (but I don’t have the skills to fit in to the social scene outside of church).

There is still a flicker of hope in me that God’s presence will someday return, or I will find a way to have faith without it. If that does happen, this dark time may help me better understand other doubters.